And Now For Something Completely Different

I know I promised you slightly-complicated-crochet pattern, but since I can't find the bit of paper it's written down on, it'll have to wait. Tomorrow there will be crocheted kitty toys instead.
It's still colder than a well-diggers arse here in North Lincolnshire. Yesterday it was -13 at 7am. Today -10. So that must mean that things are getting warmer, right? Also, the boiler leak has been located - hurrah! At some point this week the lovely Malcolm will come & fix it. Hurrah!

I have to confess, I have a terrible addiction to cooking shows. I blame my student days, when my housemates & I would slump on the floor of the room with the biggest TV in our student hovel and watch Fern Britton mumsy her way around wall-eyed 'celebrity' chefs (this is back when Ready Steady Cook was actually about teaching cooking techniques & recipes, rather than a backdrop for Ainsley Harriot to do... whatever the hell he's doing*). These days I'm more of a River Cottage & cuddly, soft-focus BBC half-hour long programmes kind of fox.

So I was slumped on the sofa with a cup of tea watching Nigella Lawson wafting around her soft-focus pseudo-kitchen making Chicken With 40 Cloves Of Garlic, and really wanted to try it.** This doesn't mean that I instantly abandoned my vegetarian principles & really wanted to tuck into some bird carcass (ugh! I haven't eaten meat in over 20 years, and I wasn't a fan of it to start with), or that I missed the flavour & texture of meat. But that it had been so long since I had eaten a hearty, warming casserole, something that required a knife and fork, and maybe some mashed potatoes on the side. Most of my cooking is stuff that can be eaten with just a fork or a spoon.
I remembered my pumpkin turkey roast success from November, and thought it can't be that hard to make something similar, but in smaller pieces. Anyway, I can't resist a pun, so:

Chickain't Pieces

Doesn't that appetising does it? Trust me, it's delicious! What? You don't believe me? Okay, what about this then?


Chickain't casserole with courgette, mushrooms & peas. It was delicious.

So how do you make it? It's pretty much the same as the Pumpkin Turkey recipe, only you divide the dough into 8 pieces. Wrap each piece in foil, squishing into whatever shape you fancy, then steam for 30 minutes. Then place in a baking tray & add a little hot water, just enough to cover the tray (so nothing burns) and bake 20-30 minutes. Leave to cool wrapped in the foil, and then unwrap. They freeze well, and you can bake them, fry them, roast them, slice them & stir fry them - anything you can think of really!

Om nom nom!

*Like a horrible mash-up of Baron Samedi from Live & let Die & The Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

**My actualy thought process was 'Hubb-hubba, ding-ding-ding, baby you got everything. Shame on me.

Warning: Does Not Turn Into A Pumpkin After Midnight

Okay, folks. I promised a week of pumpkin recipes, and I'm working on new & interesting ways to use roasted pumpkin flesh. So, open you're minds really wide... wider than that. And Behold!

PUMPKIN TURKEY!

Okay, so maybe I've gone a bit too far. Feh, if you can't get stupid on your own blog, where can you? This recipe is inspired by those Quorn roasts that you find in the supermarket freezers, but it's a lot tastier! It's been so long since I last ate turkey (and that was the Christmas roast - painfully dry and about as tasty as chewing on greasy cardboard) that I don't really remember the flavour. But this has a rich, savoury, slightly sweet flavour, you wouldn't know there was pumpkin in it without someone telling you. It's also vegan, woo!
It's a surprisingly simple recipe & mixes together in no time, the texture comes from both steaming & baking (much like with the Chorbeetzo recipe), which keeps it nice and tender while still being firm enough to slice. You can shape it into two Quorn roast style logs, or into one large one that can be used like vegetarian luncheon meat or deli slices.

1 cup of roasted pumpkin flesh
2 cups of water
1 onion
2 cloves garlic
2 1/2 cups wheat gluten
4 tbs nutritional yeast powder (if you can't get hold of any, don't fret. It just gives the roast a savoury taste)
2 tsp salt
2 tsp smoked paprika
2 tsp vegetable stock powder (marigold is really good, but any stock powder or cube you have will do)
2 tsp maple syrup (the secret ingredient! It sounds weird, but it works wonders!)
1 tsp Maggi sauce (again, this is to give it a savoury flavour. If you don't have Maggi sauce, Bragg liquid amino's, hendersons relish, vegetarian Worcester sauce or soy sauce will do)
1/2 tsp black pepper, freshly ground

Put the pumpkin, onion, garlic, maple syrup, vegetable stock powder & Maggi sauce in a blender & whizz until smooth. Mix the gluten powder, nutritional yeast, spices & salt in a bowl. Add the wet to the dry & mix thoroughly. You're looking for a spongy mass, not dry & tough, but not sticky & wet either. Knead for a minute & shape into two logs (or one big 'un). Wrap in kitchen foil, twisting the ends firmly to make a log. Place in a steamer & leave steaming for 30 minutes (1 hour for the big 'un). Preheat the oven to 200C/G4.
Remove the foil parcels from the steamer & place in a baking tray. Bake in the oven for 30-40 minutes (1 hour for the big 'un). The Not-Turkey (Turkain't?) will swell up but the foil will hold it in shape. Leave to cool wrapped in the foil (if you unwrap it while hot, it'll dry out and get a bit tough). You can unwrap it briefly to cut a bit off one end to try it, of course.
Once cool, it can be stored in the fridge. Then you can use it in sandwiches, salads, chilli, pasta, enchiladas, risottos, mole, jambalaya... anything really!

I'm going to play around with it a little & it will eventually become Christmas dinner. I'm mostly thinking along the lines of filling it with some sort of stuffing, maybe apricot & almond, or cranberry & pecans (my current favourite, I think they'd go well with the earthy sweetness of the maple syrup) and serving with roasted veg & cranberry relish. Sound good?

Om nom nom!

Chorbeetzo

Chorizo is a term for several types of pork sausage, the most famous being the Spanish variety made with smoked paprika (pimentón) that celebrity chefs are always going on about. It's nigh on impossible to find a vegetarian alternative, and even harder to find one that doesn't taste like athletic equipment.

So when all else fails, try making it yourself! And if you can shoehorn in a terrible pun, even better!

This recipe takes a bit of time, so it's not something to do in a hurry, but on a rainy Sunday afternoon while listening to El Vez.

3 medium sized fresh beetroots (2 large, 4 small etc)
350g (1 1/2 cups) Wheat Gluten
200ml (just shy of 1 cup) cider vinegar
2 tbs olive oil
3 cloves garlic
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp oregano
1 tbs chilli powder
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1 tbs smoked paprika
1 tbs salt

You will also need;
kitchen foil
a steamer (a Chinese bamboo steamer works well, or a metal stacking steamer. If you don't have a steamer, a bit of creativity using a large pan & some scrunched up kitchen foil, or an upturned saucer should get around that).

Roast the beetroot whole in the oven at 180C for about an hour (maybe longer, depending on the size) until cooked through. Leave to cool. The skins should slip off easily, but if they give you trouble, a sharp knife should help. Put in a blender or food processor with the garlic, oil & cider vinegar & blitz to a smooth puree.
Mix the gluten, salt, pepper & spices in a large bowl. Add the beetroot puree & give it a thorough mixing.
If you've used gluten before, you'll be familiar with its, umm, unique texture. If not, my previous pun-tastic beetball post (I bet Heston Blumenthal never thought of Beet-Meat!) might prepare you for the Purple Blob of Doom. If it all seems a bit dry, a splash of water will help. If it's too wet, a sprinkling of more gluten powder, or some breadcrumbs, should help. The texture should be soft, spongy & very, very weird.
Knead for a minute, then shape into equal sized logs. You'll want them to be about twice the diameter & twice the length of your average sausage (though whatever length fits in your steamer, really!). Roll each sausage shape up in a sheet of kitchen foil & scrunch the ends closed. They will expand during cooking & this will keep them in shape. Pile all your foil parcels into your steamer & cook for 40 minutes. You'll need to preheat your oven to 180C again.
After 40 minutes, remove the foil parcels from the steamer and arrange of a baking tray. If any have burst out of their casing, wrap them in some more foil. Put in the oven & bake for another 40 minutes, turning occasionally.

Yes, I know this is all a bit of a faff, but trust me, it's worth it. You could just steam the Chorbeetzo for a full hour instead of baking, but marvellous alchemy occurs, and you get a firm textured, while still tender, chunk of sausage. Either way, the flavour will be rich, spicy and horribly, horribly addictive.

After 40 minutes, remove from the oven. They will have swelled up a bit, but they will shrink a little when cool. You can sample some now, but you're best off leaving them to go cool. Then they can be sliced thinly for topping pizza, chopped into chunks and added to fideos, Mexican rice, stews, casseroles or any amount of pasta dishes.

Beetballs

It has been a bit of a trying week here at the Shack in the Marshlands. But instead of complaining about mad old misogynists, incendiary* brewery equipment or finances, I shall rejoice in two of my favourite things - bad puns & beetroot - which means Beetballs!

I've been messing around with Beetroot & fake meat puns for a while (Beetburgers, Beetloaf ect) but am pretty chuffed with how these came out. They are made with wheat gluten, which I've blogged about before, and is one of my store cupboard staples, as well as being good fun to mess about with.
I've been trying to come up with a good fake meatball recipe for a while. Most recipes out there seem to involved grinding stuff up, then trying desperately to make it all stick back together again.
I'm really pleased with how these came out. The texture is light & moist inside with a firm crust. I can't say whether or not they're a good substitute, as meatballs are something I've never eaten!

This recipe makes about 20-25 beetballs (or less or more, depending on how small or large your balls are. Oh. That just sounds filthy, doesn't it? Ah well). You can stick what you don't use in the freezer (or use what's left as sandwich fillings or tortilla wraps. Sounds weird, but it's actually really nice!). You can use pre-packaged cooked beetroot, or leftover roasted ones (that works really well) or grated raw beets. The tofu is optional, but I really recommend it, it gives them a really nice texture & keeps everything from getting too dense & chewy.

Beetballs
2 beetroots (or one really large one. Or three small ones. You get the idea)
1 red onion
2 cloves garlic
1 cup wheat gluten
1 cup silken tofu
1 tsp dill
1 tsp parsley
salt & pepper

Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/G4. Throw the red onion, garlic & beetroot into a food processor & blitz, adding a little water until you have a thick puree (or you can finely chop the onion & garlic & fry in a little oil until softened & golden, and mash the beetroot is cooked, or grate if raw, and stir together). Scrape into a large bowl & add salt, pepper & herbs. Add the silken tofu & mix well. Add the wheat gluten & mix together by hand. Get your fingers in there & really mush it all up. It will look like a goth birthday cake disaster, and feel like an alien autopsy, but trust me, it'll be worth it.

If it feels too wet, you can add some breadcrumbs to the mixture, but if you can get it into a roughly round shape, it should be fine.
Shape the purple goop into walnut sized balls (oh dear) & arrange on a greased baking tray. Bake for about 25-30 minutes, turning them over halfway through the cooking time. They should puff up a bit (though when they go cold they will deflate a little), and of course you should try one or two hot out of the oven. Just to, y'know, make sure they're okay.

Plays well with tomato sauce, over pasta, rice or any grain you fancy. Or just dipped in ketchup.
Nom nom nom!

*In both senses of the word

All We Want To Do Is Eat Your Brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean no ones gonna eat your eyes.

Um. Sorry about that. Moving swiftly on...

Seitan

Today I'm rattling on about Seitan. Also known as Wheat Meat, it's wheat gluten (thus the enemy of the Coeliac), the stuff that gives kneaded dough its elasticity. It has a chewy texture that makes it a good meat substitute. It is pretty flavourless in itself, but takes on other flavours well. There are two ways of making seitan, the easy way and the hard way. Today I'll show the easy way.

First of all you'll be needing some Gluten powder (also known as vital wheat gluten or gluten flour). This can be bought from specialist flour suppliers & some whole food shops (I use The Flour Bin they also have a really nice maltflake flour too). You'll need 2 cups of it for this.

This recipe is for Yellow Bean style seitan, but there are lots of variations you can experiment with.

2 cups gluten powder

1 cup water

1/2 cup yellow bean sauce (I like my seitan with a lot of flavour, so you might want to reduce your quantities here. 2 tbs of yellow bean sauce & 2 tbs soy sauce might be more appropriate for more delicate palates)

Mix the water & seasoning together & pour onto the gluten powder & mix. The whole thing will quickly become rubbery & weird, but fear not! It hasn't all gone horribly wrong, this is how its supposed to look.
Really, it is.

Doesn't look pleasant, does it? Well, it's okay, it'll taste good. Knead the terrifying, rubbery stuff, and don't think about zombies, for about 1 minute (the longer you knead it, the firmer it will be. If you're making a pastrami-style seitan, it's worth kneading it for a good 10 minutes, then it'll be firm, juicy & easy to slice). Cut into two pieces & roll into logs. Wrap each log with muslin/cheesecloth & tie with string (not too tightly, as the seitan will expand a little in cooking). If you don't have any muslin, divide the dough into 4 pieces & flatten into cutlets instead.

Place in a large pan & add

1/4 cup yellow bean sauce

1/4 cup soy sauce
And add enough water to just cover the seitan. Bring to the boil & simmer for 45 minutes to 1 hour, turning occasionally. Remove from heat & leave to cool (you can save the water for cooking rice in if you like) & unwrap.

There you have it. Delicious seitan. It can be cut into thin slices, or chopped into chunks & used in stir fries or anything else that requires chunks of chewy bits. Or you can eat it, slice by slice, as you amble around the house, until there is only a meagre amount left. Then make more.

There are lots of variations for this recipe, just replace the yellow bean sauce & soy with other flavours. I'm a fan of tomato paste, salt, paprika, cayenne, cumin & black pepper for a pastrami-style seitan, or achiote paste & lime juice to make a Puerco Pibil style seitan.

In celebration on tonight's 1st episode of Charlie Brookers Dead Set, here's Jonathan Coulton!