The Morning After The Night Before

MikeyFox & myself woke up this morning feeling a little on the, um, delicate side (damn you, Talisker, and your dubious yet irresistible charms). Despite really wanting to flop on the sofa all day & drink tea, we hauled our sorry arses out of the house and down to the allotment for some fresh air & exercise.
The sudden bad weather has not been kind to the plot. The Oca has turned to mush (there's not enough fleece in the world to protect it against -18C nights), and the leeks are in a sorry state. But the kale & brussells are all holding their own, and the ground had thawed out enough to dig up some Jerusalem Artichokes (which MikeyFox made into soup - yum!)

I was a bit saddened to have lost all my Oca, though I will be growing it again next year, as they're really tasty. So to cheer myself up, I decided to do some messing around with wheat gluten and some beetroot that I had dug up from the garden and roasted the day before.
Yes, I have been making more Beet-Meat, behold!

BEET RIBS!

They're made using one of those health grills (I say health grill, I mostly use it to make cheese & chutney toasties), the gluten mix is seared on the grill and then baked in the oven, slathered with barbecue sauce, until they're nice & chewy. I really love how the grill gives them a dense texture without being tough & chewy seared ridges, and the barbecue sauce caramelises in the oven and gives them an addictively sticky coating.

1 1/2 cups wheat gluten
1 tsp vegetable stock powder (I used marigold, but any will do)
2-3 beetroot, roasted & peeled (you can use a couple of those cooked vacuum packed beetroot that you find in the salad section of the supermarket, just make sure it's not in vinegar)
1 onion
2 cloves garlic
1 cup water
1 cup barbecue sauce (I used Jack Daniels barbecue sauce, as it's not too sweet, but use whatever you like the taste of)
spray oil (or a little vegetable oil)

Preheat the oven to 200c/400f & grease a cookie sheet or large pan. Plug in the health grill to give it time to warm up.Put the onion, garlic, beetroot, vegetable stock & water in a blender with 3 tbs of the barbecue sauce & blend until smooth. Try not to think about John Carpenter films. Especially not The Thing. Put the wheat gluten into a large bowl & add the alarmingly red blender gloop & mix. Don't spend too long mixing it, or it'll get tough & rubbery. Divide into 4 pieces and flatten each piece into a rectangle about 1cm thick. If you have spray oil, give the grill a light spray. If not, pour a little oil onto your hands and rub each piece of gluten to cover it.
Slap your gluten on the grill (you should be able to fit two pieces in there, but don't worry if there's only room for one) & leave for around 5 minutes, or until the surface is seared and browned (don't try any yet, it'll all be uncooked dough under that crust!).

Lay on the cookie sheet & score with a knife into rib-sized pieces (you don't want to cut all the way through, just perforate it enough that when it comes out of the oven you can tear it into rib strips). With a pastry brush or a spoon, cover the ribs in barbecue sauce. Put in the oven for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes are up, flip the ribs over & baste the other side in barbecue sauce, then it's back in the oven for another 20 minutes.
Serve with mash & seared sweetcorn, in a bun with lots of coleslaw, or straight off the tray whilst watching a guilty pleasure on TV (hello, new series of Primeval!) and don't be shy about licking your fingers.

Chorbeetzo

Chorizo is a term for several types of pork sausage, the most famous being the Spanish variety made with smoked paprika (pimentón) that celebrity chefs are always going on about. It's nigh on impossible to find a vegetarian alternative, and even harder to find one that doesn't taste like athletic equipment.

So when all else fails, try making it yourself! And if you can shoehorn in a terrible pun, even better!

This recipe takes a bit of time, so it's not something to do in a hurry, but on a rainy Sunday afternoon while listening to El Vez.

3 medium sized fresh beetroots (2 large, 4 small etc)
350g (1 1/2 cups) Wheat Gluten
200ml (just shy of 1 cup) cider vinegar
2 tbs olive oil
3 cloves garlic
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp oregano
1 tbs chilli powder
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1 tbs smoked paprika
1 tbs salt

You will also need;
kitchen foil
a steamer (a Chinese bamboo steamer works well, or a metal stacking steamer. If you don't have a steamer, a bit of creativity using a large pan & some scrunched up kitchen foil, or an upturned saucer should get around that).

Roast the beetroot whole in the oven at 180C for about an hour (maybe longer, depending on the size) until cooked through. Leave to cool. The skins should slip off easily, but if they give you trouble, a sharp knife should help. Put in a blender or food processor with the garlic, oil & cider vinegar & blitz to a smooth puree.
Mix the gluten, salt, pepper & spices in a large bowl. Add the beetroot puree & give it a thorough mixing.
If you've used gluten before, you'll be familiar with its, umm, unique texture. If not, my previous pun-tastic beetball post (I bet Heston Blumenthal never thought of Beet-Meat!) might prepare you for the Purple Blob of Doom. If it all seems a bit dry, a splash of water will help. If it's too wet, a sprinkling of more gluten powder, or some breadcrumbs, should help. The texture should be soft, spongy & very, very weird.
Knead for a minute, then shape into equal sized logs. You'll want them to be about twice the diameter & twice the length of your average sausage (though whatever length fits in your steamer, really!). Roll each sausage shape up in a sheet of kitchen foil & scrunch the ends closed. They will expand during cooking & this will keep them in shape. Pile all your foil parcels into your steamer & cook for 40 minutes. You'll need to preheat your oven to 180C again.
After 40 minutes, remove the foil parcels from the steamer and arrange of a baking tray. If any have burst out of their casing, wrap them in some more foil. Put in the oven & bake for another 40 minutes, turning occasionally.

Yes, I know this is all a bit of a faff, but trust me, it's worth it. You could just steam the Chorbeetzo for a full hour instead of baking, but marvellous alchemy occurs, and you get a firm textured, while still tender, chunk of sausage. Either way, the flavour will be rich, spicy and horribly, horribly addictive.

After 40 minutes, remove from the oven. They will have swelled up a bit, but they will shrink a little when cool. You can sample some now, but you're best off leaving them to go cool. Then they can be sliced thinly for topping pizza, chopped into chunks and added to fideos, Mexican rice, stews, casseroles or any amount of pasta dishes.

Beetballs

It has been a bit of a trying week here at the Shack in the Marshlands. But instead of complaining about mad old misogynists, incendiary* brewery equipment or finances, I shall rejoice in two of my favourite things - bad puns & beetroot - which means Beetballs!

I've been messing around with Beetroot & fake meat puns for a while (Beetburgers, Beetloaf ect) but am pretty chuffed with how these came out. They are made with wheat gluten, which I've blogged about before, and is one of my store cupboard staples, as well as being good fun to mess about with.
I've been trying to come up with a good fake meatball recipe for a while. Most recipes out there seem to involved grinding stuff up, then trying desperately to make it all stick back together again.
I'm really pleased with how these came out. The texture is light & moist inside with a firm crust. I can't say whether or not they're a good substitute, as meatballs are something I've never eaten!

This recipe makes about 20-25 beetballs (or less or more, depending on how small or large your balls are. Oh. That just sounds filthy, doesn't it? Ah well). You can stick what you don't use in the freezer (or use what's left as sandwich fillings or tortilla wraps. Sounds weird, but it's actually really nice!). You can use pre-packaged cooked beetroot, or leftover roasted ones (that works really well) or grated raw beets. The tofu is optional, but I really recommend it, it gives them a really nice texture & keeps everything from getting too dense & chewy.

Beetballs
2 beetroots (or one really large one. Or three small ones. You get the idea)
1 red onion
2 cloves garlic
1 cup wheat gluten
1 cup silken tofu
1 tsp dill
1 tsp parsley
salt & pepper

Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/G4. Throw the red onion, garlic & beetroot into a food processor & blitz, adding a little water until you have a thick puree (or you can finely chop the onion & garlic & fry in a little oil until softened & golden, and mash the beetroot is cooked, or grate if raw, and stir together). Scrape into a large bowl & add salt, pepper & herbs. Add the silken tofu & mix well. Add the wheat gluten & mix together by hand. Get your fingers in there & really mush it all up. It will look like a goth birthday cake disaster, and feel like an alien autopsy, but trust me, it'll be worth it.

If it feels too wet, you can add some breadcrumbs to the mixture, but if you can get it into a roughly round shape, it should be fine.
Shape the purple goop into walnut sized balls (oh dear) & arrange on a greased baking tray. Bake for about 25-30 minutes, turning them over halfway through the cooking time. They should puff up a bit (though when they go cold they will deflate a little), and of course you should try one or two hot out of the oven. Just to, y'know, make sure they're okay.

Plays well with tomato sauce, over pasta, rice or any grain you fancy. Or just dipped in ketchup.
Nom nom nom!

*In both senses of the word